WolfpackAlan | The Tweet Watch

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WolfpackAlan
227,555 Followers.
03 Friends.

1/4 of the Wolf Pack. (This is a Parody Account, Love Role-Playing) Contact: Wolfpack.AlanG@gmail.com

What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commit
Mar 1 no reply

Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
Feb 29 no reply

Doctor: "Drink plenty of fluids". Me: "Ok, I'll try not to drink too many solids or gasses..."
Mar 1 no reply

They say, "Don't drink and drive" Well.... yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle #YOLO
Mar 2 no reply

Going to McDonalds and ordering a Salad is like going to a hooker and asking for a Hug...
Feb 23 no reply

That awkward moment when someone tells an adopted kid they look just like their mom or dad.
Feb 25 no reply

That fake laugh you do when you don’t understand what somebody just said to you.
Feb 25 no reply

To those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when daddy buys them the wrong colour Mercedes. SHUT UP! I ride a bike!
Feb 13 no reply

Dear McDonalds cashier, don’t give me that look. There's no age limit on a happy meal...
Feb 14 no reply

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Feb 14 no reply

When a bird craps on my car, I sit outside and eat a plate of scrambled eggs... As a warning to all the other birds.
Feb 5 no reply

Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re panicking over who’s next to go.
Feb 9 no reply

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE WHORE you're at school, not Jersey Shore. You’re a slutty, orange mess PLEASE GO FIND A LONGER DRESS.
Feb 9 no reply

Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd; you're a whore who found glasses.
Feb 9 1 reply

Right now you have 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support, and your scrolling with your thumb.
Feb 9 no reply

If you never jumped from one couch to another to save yourself from the lava, then you didn't have a childhood
Feb 10 no reply

I guess those penis enlargement pills are working, you're twice the dick you were yesterday!
Feb 11 no reply

When people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I say to them, "Would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Feb 13 no reply

"Hey Mom! I have good news!" "You got a 100% on your math test?!" "I said I have good news, not a miracle."
Feb 13 no reply

And as my sperm swam towards her eggs, my wife shouted "What the fuck have you done to my breakfast!"
Feb 16 no reply

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