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TwopTwips
138,249 Followers.
983 Friends.

PEDDLERS. Want to offer a Twop Twips prize? Phone toptipstwitter@gmail.com. (If you're really bored you could also follow @Twips2)

AT A pub quiz and the quizmaster is using a spreadsheet to keep score? Name your team "=SUM(A1:Z99)" to seal victory. (via @philgibson01)
Nov 20 no reply

MICROSOFT. Nobody is going to buy Windows 8. I've got Windows 95 and I'm not dropping back 87 versions. (via @NosniborKram)
Oct 26 no reply

WHEN the barista at Starbucks asks for your name, simply reply TAX PAYING BRITISH CITIZEN. (via @shaunwkeaveny)
Oct 17 no reply

NUFC. Celebrate the Wonga deal by charging £2 a pint at the start of a match, £8 at halftime and £6k at 90 minutes. (via @JCautomatic)
Oct 9 no reply

TWITTERERS. Don't like one of your followers? Simply send them this photo... http://t.co/u7UDn1wl (via @adambloomie2)
Aug 8 no reply

GIVE Monopoly an Olympic feel: remove the stations, make the hotels too expensive and write ‘McDonalds’ all over the board. @matthematically
Jul 17 no reply

FOOL people into thinking you’re a member of Fathers4Justice by spending today crying in the pub dressed as Batman. (via @brandanista)
Jun 17 no reply

THE NEAR DEAD. Cause hilarity at the Crematorium by swallowing a handful of 'Popcorn' kernels, before you go. (via @vinharris)
Jun 10 no reply

RECREATE the magic of the Thames flotilla by sitting by the side of the road in the rain and waving at expensive cars. (via @CBellUK)
Jun 3 no reply

NEW PARENTS. Ensure Facebook friends recognise you in real life by sellotaping a photo of your baby over your face. (via @wallaceme)
5/14/2012 4:09 AM no reply

ADD HILARITY to a Starbucks coffee order by telling them your name is Fenton, then leaving the shop. (via @willrolls)
4/12/2012 3:01 AM no reply

JEDIS. Invest in better pensions when you're young, so you don't have to work for Vodafone when you're 900 years old. (via @themaninblock11)
3/15/2012 4:54 AM no reply

CREATE your own Florence & The Machine album by locking an owl in a wind chime shop. (via @sixft2blue)
2/17/2012 5:22 AM no reply

CONVERSATION dried up? Why not tell everyone what your dashboard thermometer said when you got in the car this morning? (via @Lauriesearle)
2/3/2012 4:41 AM no reply

DO NOT line your cat litter tray with pages from the Daily Mail. I did and now my cat is an obnoxious, homophobic, racist. (via @_b_4)
1/31/2012 5:02 AM no reply

TEACH your child about the importance of punctuation by making them some "No, More Tears" shampoo out of lemon juice and vinegar. @gazhaman
1/30/2012 6:14 AM no reply

PARENTS. Prepare your child for the harsh reality of the world by informing them they aren't special & are quite plain looking. @scotsboyuk
1/11/2012 3:57 AM no reply

ED MILIBAND. If Brian Cant dies, stay away from the keyboard. (via @rikwilliams)
1/6/2012 11:40 AM no reply

LOOK at a pair of socks and practice a look of elated surprise in the mirror. You're going to need that face tommorrow. @whowherewhatnow
12/24/2011 3:34 AM 9 replies

WAITROSE. Cheer up the old dears who shop with you with a cunning nob placement. http://t.co/FYXTmvts (via @AldGra)
12/1/2011 3:43 PM no reply

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