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TwopTwips
138,249 Followers.
983 Friends.

PEDDLERS. Want to offer a Twop Twips prize? Phone toptipstwitter@gmail.com. (If you're really bored you could also follow @Twips2)

ANDY MURRAY. Settle the Scottish/British debate once and for all by turning up drunk and eating chips during the changeovers. @BobServant
6/20/2011 11:20 AM 3 replies

FOOL people into thinking you are a member of Fathers4Justice by spending today crying in the pub dressed as Batman. /via @brandanista
6/19/2011 12:48 PM 3 replies

RYAN GIGGS. Act surprised when a Royal Mail lorry turns up this morning. /via @NathanEvanOne
6/19/2011 5:37 AM no reply

RECREATE the magic of the Crystal Maze by locking your wife in the kitchen if she fails to make tea within 4 minutes. /via @David_Gledhill
6/18/2011 6:12 AM 1 reply

IF THE grass is greener on the other side, you've laid your turf upside down you halfwit. /via @thisismusic
6/18/2011 5:17 AM 3 replies

RECREATE the fun of kids' tv show 'Knightmare' by getting out of bed for a piss at half-three in the morning. /via @HoracioMelvin
6/18/2011 4:38 AM 2 replies

TENNIS FANS. Pretend you're at Wimbledon by simply laughing and clapping every time a pigeon lands on your lawn. /via @IHPower
6/17/2011 4:52 AM 2 replies

MICHAEL GOVE. Telling teachers they're thick as shit on the radio will thicken their skins and stop them from striking. /via @nickmellish
6/16/2011 3:45 AM no reply

HELP save paper in your office by messing about on Twitter all day instead of doing 'proper' work. /via @fletcherchriss
6/15/2011 5:37 AM 1 reply

CALCULATE your Body Mass Index by multiplying the 'bubblyness' of your personality by the amount of chips you consume. /via @rowzed
6/14/2011 5:23 AM no reply

PRETEND you're a professional tennis player by wiping your face on a towel every 30 seconds then throwing it at a child. /via @_barks
6/12/2011 4:48 AM no reply

LADIES. To avoid total and utter public humiliation - do not play on the swings. http://t.co/Dqwy916 /via @thepoke
6/9/2011 8:39 AM no reply

UK GOVERNMENT. Save us lots of tedious scrolling by rebranding as "aaaUnited Kingdom". /via @ian_ec1
6/6/2011 3:49 AM no reply

CYCLISTS. A red traffic light means "Proceed, but adopt a look of smug self-satisfaction" /via @GazWeetman
6/2/2011 4:15 AM no reply

GUARANTEE attention on Facebook by simply stating that you are unhappy, without giving any details. /via @Dexter_Tumbrell
5/31/2011 3:33 AM 3 replies

ENSURE your kids have a great porn star name by calling your pet Big Tits. /via @MichaelEHill
5/30/2011 5:56 AM 1 reply

GROUPON. Branch out. By now everyone has white teeth, is completely hairless and can't eat any more Indian food. /via @FintanKav
5/27/2011 7:36 AM no reply

RECREATE the feeling of syncing your iPhone with iTunes by ripping up your photos, burning your games & smashing up your CDs. /via @aynzw
5/25/2011 4:01 AM 1 reply

EXPERIENCE the magic of having the Facebook app on your iPhone by staring at an egg timer and calling it a bastard. /via @Manfonse
5/24/2011 3:16 AM 2 replies

CHRISTIANS. Worried about your pets after the Rapture? This is the site for you: http://t.co/vNdVzBK /via @D_NS
5/19/2011 4:50 AM 1 reply

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