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TwopTwips
120,147 Followers.
783 Friends.

PEDDLERS. Want to offer a Twop Twips prize? Phone toptipstwitter@gmail.com. (If you're really bored you could also follow @Twips2)

RYANAIR STAFF: why not punch customers square in the face and then just rifle through their pockets? It would be more honest. /via @Lorca
4/27/2010 9:58 PM 5 replies

STEVE MILLER BAND. Resurrect your 70's popularity by standing against your brothers for leader of the labour party. /via @IanGregory
5/18/2010 7:09 AM 13 replies

NOW remember America, kick off is at 19:30. None of this turning up at 19:42 and claiming victory malarky... /via @deandonaldson
6/12/2010 11:20 AM 6 replies

FIFA. Avoid more negative comments about the World Cup by banning football at vuvuzela concerts. /via @philmold
6/16/2010 4:26 PM no reply

ENGLAND FANS. Can't get enough of talentless no-hopers boring you shitless? Tune in to C4 for Big Brother.
6/18/2010 5:37 PM 53 replies

KATIE PRICE. Save on the expense of face paint and support Holland in the final. /via @willrolls
7/7/2010 4:30 AM 9 replies

AVOID all the Friday 13th superstitious nonsense by wearing your lucky pants and staying in bed until tomorrow. /via @sheardyj
8/13/2010 3:18 AM 14 replies

WAR CRIMINALS. Expunge your guilt by simply deciding to give royalties to charity (make a wad from lectures before deciding). @mostly_grumpy
8/16/2010 3:43 PM 20 replies

HALIFAX: Improve your PR by manning the cashier booths instead of pretending you're a radio station. /via @calmdownkidder
8/17/2010 7:58 AM 5 replies

SPURS - Ensure you beat Young Boys in the second leg by moving the kick off time to 10pm, when it's past their bedtime. /via @fletcherchriss
8/17/2010 4:16 PM 18 replies

HOMEOPATHS. Save money on petrol by filling up at the water pump. Your car will remember the petrol from your previous fill. /via @daveaddey
8/17/2010 4:19 PM 17 replies

CONVINCE people your PC is running Vista by smashing it up. /via @mr_marmite
8/19/2010 2:59 AM 16 replies

RELIGIOUS people, you're clearly not praying hard enough! Earthquakes, famine, disease. It's almost as if god's not listening. @jbrownridge
8/20/2010 12:43 PM 27 replies

CAN't afford buckaroo? Simply pile items on a sleeping elderly relative until they wake up screaming. /via @simonplotkin
8/25/2010 7:43 AM 15 replies

HOMEOPATHS: Wank into the ocean and every girl swimming that day will have your baby. /via @imposthume
8/26/2010 7:41 AM 19 replies

BRIGHTEN up your day by moving at least one of Tony Blair's books to the crime section in your local book shop. /via @pokeHQ
9/2/2010 2:33 AM 24 replies

FIFA OFFICIALS. Reduce the chances of getting caught taking a bribe by doing it in front of a premiership referee. /via @mostly_grumpy
11/29/2010 5:22 PM 3 replies

BECOME an unpaid, on-call IT Support person by letting your neighbours know you 'work in computers a bit’. /via @Bromptonite
9/21/2010 1:51 PM 2 replies

EXPERIENCE a quiet Sunday morning with a toddler by putting your head in a tumble dryer full of spanners. (via @moanup)
Nov 20 15 replies

SAVE MONEY on presents this year by telling your kids that tonight's meteor shower is Santa burning up on re-entry. /via @cwest179
12/14/2010 4:44 AM 7 replies

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