The Tweet Watch
Your source of tweets that matter!
I do comedy. I swallowed a marble once.
Yes, I will have the eggplant parmesan with the fettuccine alfredo, and the lady will be having....THIS DICK! *forces high 5 upon waiter*
The thing about "Your Mother" jokes is that they're old, lame, and used up...just like your mother. #Nailed #It
If you drink 12 Bud Lights and yell "Dale!" into a mirror, Pitbull will appear.
Eating a McRib is the closest I'll ever get to a yoga mat because I'm positive they're made of the same thing.
Date 20 dudes a year and you're a slut, but date 20 dudes a year and write songs about them and you're Taylor Swift.
And just when I was like "Who sings this rap song?" the rapper yells his name. Then does so again every 16 seconds.
Elmo walking around Sesame Street door to door and telling everyone that he's a sex offender is going to be the cutest shit ever.
Here's a fun Halloween drinking game! Every time you see an Asian dude dressed as Psy, murder them.
Oh, that? That's my fake mustache in case I have to go through a fast food drive-thru twice in one day.
The fastest way to burn 1,000 calories is to forget that you had a pizza in the oven.
There's a dude wearing TOMS in a H&M right now. I'm not at a mall or anything, but I just fucking know it's happening.
Ever get so high that you lose your cell phone then you try to call it on your cell phone?
I love those Corona commercials because, if you drink Corona, you deserve to be stranded on a desert island.
Lamborghini Mercy. Your chick she so thirsty. Give her something to drink, you fucking asshole.
"Sorry, we don't have Coke. Only Pepsi." I angrily whispered to myself as I watched the restaurant go up in flames.
"Hey, does my penis taste funny to you?" is an easy to trick women into giving you a blow job.
Get a teardrop tattoo and tell the ladies you got it 'cause you cried at a wedding once.
Getting a gun rack installed in my car to hold all my burritos while I drive.
Asked some 1 year old what his name was and he didn't know. What a fucking idiot.
It's sad that Kim Kardashian will never love Kanye West as much as Kanye West loves Kanye West.
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