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BorowitzReport
460,961 Followers.
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There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.

Republicans: Obama Must Take Action in Syria So We Can Criticize Action He Took in Syria: http://t.co/CSCtXQ1kSP
Apr 29 no reply

Not sure why we need a monument to Bush in Dallas when there's already one in Guantanamo http://t.co/jqgDDn75mu
Apr 25 3 replies

Since Romney doesn't care about poor people, he needed to balance the ticket with someone who doesn't care about old people. #AARP
Sep 21 1 reply

Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles.
Sep 13 1 reply

Paul Ryan calls his nomination "my greatest triumph since winning the Tour de France": http://t.co/5hGgD61D
Sep 1 1 reply

Paul Ryan being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake. #RomneyRyan2012
Aug 11 no reply

If Romney's VPs are down to Pawlenty, Portman or Ryan, at least we can be sure that the white male will finally have a voice in America.
Aug 8 1 reply

Next time someone says, "Where has big government ever gotten us?" the correct answer is "Mars."
Aug 6 2 replies

A Brit, a Jew, and a Polish guy all walk into the bar and say, "Holy crap, Romney is a douche."
Jul 30 3 replies

Romney on Paul McCartney: "He didn't seem prepared to sing Hey Jude. He should've gone with a song he'd done before." http://t.co/YTMwnqgD
Jul 28 no reply

"I need to do extensive reading on this complex subject before I give an educated opinion." -- Web comment that has never been made
Jul 23 no reply

The Tom Crruise and Anderson Cooper stories show how invaluable Twitter is at spreading information people already knew.
Jul 2 no reply

Next time you see a crazy person on the street, don't turn away and ignore him. Tell him about Twitter.
Jun 30 no reply

Watching cable news because you want to be informed is like going to Olive Garden because you want to live in Italy.
6/4/2012 6:57 PM no reply

I'm writing a Young Adult novel about a dystopian society in which all entertainment is aimed at 13-year-olds.
5/19/2012 10:28 PM no reply

To put Facebook's $100B in perspective, it would take JP Morgan 50 trades to lose that much money.
5/16/2012 9:25 AM no reply

Europe is divided between Germany, who doesn't want to spend any money, and France, who wants to blow it all on hookers.
5/7/2012 3:47 PM no reply

I'd be more willing to say Facebook is worth $96 billion if I'd met anyone who clicked on a Facebook ad even once.
5/6/2012 2:23 PM no reply

For the record, that blind Chinese dissident is the first immigrant Romney has said he'd let in.
5/3/2012 9:26 PM no reply

Twitter has been around for 6 years now. It seems like just yesterday that I spoke to my family.
4/29/2012 7:17 PM no reply

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