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BorowitzReport
240,486 Followers.
34 Friends.

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.

Roethlisberger suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican.
4/21/2010 1:23 PM 4 replies

I'm not sure if a gigantic oil rig sinking was the best way to celebrate Earth Day.
4/22/2010 5:05 PM 2 replies

When I see the cover of People or Us Weekly and don't know who the celebrities are, I feel good about myself.
5/6/2010 3:25 PM no reply

BREAKING: Republicans Insert Name 'Kagan' into Speeches Opposing Obama's Supreme Court Pick
5/9/2010 10:31 PM no reply

Just once I'd like to see a Congressman resign by saying, "I regret everything but the blow jobs. They were awesome."
5/18/2010 2:53 PM 2 replies

Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. The same was true in Transformers 1 and 2.
5/20/2010 1:26 AM 7 replies

In its strongest sanctions to date, the US just blocked North Korea on Twitter. #fightinwords
5/26/2010 12:24 PM 4 replies

Bin Laden sees what BP's done, and he's like, "Man, I've got to step up my game."
5/29/2010 4:59 PM 4 replies

BP Divides Gulf of Mexico into Full Service, Self Service
6/4/2010 4:42 PM 1 reply

McDonalds recalled Shrek glasses because they pose "long-term health risks." Um, and McDonalds food?
6/5/2010 4:04 PM 1 reply

BP Says It Has Successfully Contained Flow of Information About Spill
6/7/2010 5:24 PM 3 replies

#WorldCup: It's official: vuvuzelas have now been blown more times than Tiger Woods.
6/20/2010 6:20 PM 3 replies

Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book.
7/4/2010 2:19 PM 1 reply

Fidel Castro to appear on TV tonite; will announce he's going to the Miami Heat.
7/12/2010 9:42 AM 5 replies

Bristol Palin didn't know how to tell her mom she was engaged. But then she tried one-syllable words.
7/14/2010 8:31 AM no reply

Every workplace should have an inflatable slide so disgruntled workers can quit as dramatically as possible.
8/10/2010 9:11 AM 3 replies

The only building for Muslims that Republicans seem to like is the one in Guantanamo.
8/16/2010 8:25 PM 2 replies

Is it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?
8/17/2010 5:02 PM 2 replies

Dear Sarah #Palin: "Gaggle" means a group of geese. "Cackle" means what we're doing at you. #ESL
8/18/2010 5:17 PM 2 replies

The official name of Glenn Beck's rally is the Million Moron March. #MillionMoronMarch
8/27/2010 12:07 PM no reply

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